The Spaces Between in Life

My Grandma passed away tonight. October 10, 2023 at 10:22pm. She was 79.

I can’t imagine what I’m supposed to feel. I’ve experienced loss before. I’ve experienced grief before. And yet I can’t seem to place it. I definitely feel sad. My eyes are welling with tears as I sit here and write this. I should feel sadder. It’s kind of odd how light I feel. We had been expecting this for some time now. It was two days ago that we all decided it was best to discontinue her treatments and offer her comfort in the form of a slow IV drip of didaudid. My Grandma had been in the ICU for a few weeks after her kidneys-then liver-began to fail. She had a blood infection, a UTI, and terrible bedsores from not being able to walk these past few years. She had declined rapidly and things haven’t looked good for quite some time.

It feels wrong to say that I find comfort in knowing that it was coming. That we had all, my Grandmother included, chosen to walk down this path together. She hadn’t been able to utter more than a word or two at once for nearly a month. A name, a ‘yes,’ or a ‘no.’ ‘I love you, too’ was a big hit among fans.

I can tell I’m going to be okay. Cracking jokes is a good sign, I think. I’m going to be okay.

The morning we made all made the decision, my Grandma had expressed that she didn’t want to go on like this. “I don’t want to do this anymore,” I think were her exact words. We knew it was for the best-know it was for the best, but it still hurts. And it will for while. I’m preparing for the holiday season to be particularly tough this year. She was the last of my 4 grandparents. The holidays will be weird, but that’s alright. They were never really normal to begin with. The cool, crisp air of fall has finally settled in. I think it’s going to be a long winter.

I’m starting out 2019 feeling pretty confident with myself. I feel like I have a lot of ambition and I’m ready to make some meaningful changes in my life.

I definitely made a step in the right direction when I left my old job a year and a half ago. New things are always fun and exciting, even if only for a little while. Plus I left a job that made my insides cringe and writhe, so getting out of there was a good decision no matter what.

Things have shifted dramatically since starting my current job. I’ve made new friends and strengthened old bonds. I’ve made great strides toward making myself more financially stable. My longtime roommate and best friend from college moved to the other side of the country in pursuit of his dream – some really inspiring shit, if I’m to tell the truth. And I’ve moved out of our old, dearly treasured apartment of six years as well, and into a gorgeous apartment with my some of my closest friends.

I’m in a new place, surrounded by new influences, and I can feel the energy rising within me like I’m about to crest over to the other side of some lifelong dream I’ve always wanted. For better or worse. One thing that I have learned for certain in the past several years is that life will not wait for you. You’ve got to go out there and make the most of it. There’s always a greater life waiting for you; Sometimes it’s through opportunity, sometimes it’s through personal growth, sometimes it’s love. But you’ve got to go out there and find something new.

Newness doesn’t come without change. And change isn’t always easy. But it’s worth it if you believe in it. Believe that what you need out of life will happen and it will. Manifest. Experience. Grow. Change.

It’s in the cards for me this year and I feel it. I just know I’m about to start the next chapter of my life and I’m so excited.